body odour
i was sitting here, watching a bit of tv, chatting on the net, working on a bit of fiction. when i start noticing a distinctly unpleasant odour. and, after some consideration and searching, i realise that it’s coming from me. it took me even longer to figure out that it was – or used to be – normal body odour. male body odour.
i let myself slip. i wasn’t very careful with my meds (androcur, the pill). i didn’t want to see the doctor for a whole slew of issues. partly, i guess i have to admit, a sort of depression. partly the issues with the insurance, and unpaid bills. partly because i hate using the phone so much. and then, guess what, my prescription ran out. and my stash ran out, even as i was rationing it. and when i finally called the doctor, his office was closed.
so now i’ve been two weeks without any hormones. it’s been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster, and it’s been incredibly frustrating. and, with the body-odour tonight, it’s definitely been too long.
so i’m very glad that in five hours i’ve got an appointment with the endocrinologist to renew my script for androcur (testosterone suppresant), and possibly get on higher doses of estrogen. getting the body odour was a very firm reminder that i need it.
re-activating this blog
it’s been a bit over a year since i used this blog, but i think i really want to start it up again. i’ve been blogging quite a bit recently, on two different blogs, but neither are really suitable for a general blog open to family and casual aquaintances. but as i really do like blogging i also want to be able to write about my general life, and invite friends to share it.
quite a lot has gone on in the last year. the biggest is that i’ve fully transitioned and live permanently as a girl. you wouldn’t ever catch me pretending to be a guy anymore. in a way it feels like nothing has changed; i’m still just me, still the same person, living my life more or less the same way i’ve been doing for ages. at the same time everything’s changed, i am a girl, pass as a girl, am accepted everywhere as a girl. i don’t have to put up pretend selves anymore, i don’t have to hide behind masks and disguises. i can just be me. it is a huge relief, a massive weight taken from my shoulder.
the second big thing is that i fell in love, and i’ve got a girlfriend. actually, i fell in love with a whole series of girls one after the other, which was fun, but never realy led anywhere. then i met Nadia, and instantly fell for her. it took almost eight months before we actually met, and a heck of a lot happened during that time too, but i am even more in love now, and she loves me. now we just need to find a way to live closer together. we’re probably going to move to amsterdam, if everything works out. *knocks on wood*
it is a quite overwhelming experience, to be loved. to be desired. it is almost scary in its intensity. but it is so wonderful!
anatomically correct?
found this on genderfork:
when i last posted here i would have been rather concerned about anatomical correctness, but these days it really doesn’t bother me that much anymore.
anyway, i’m back, i intend to post more or less regularly here, and keep this as my PG-13 more or less family friendly blog. see you around.
hormones!!!!
well, not quite totally immediately today yet. but if nothing unexpected shows up in the blood tests, then on wednesday.
i saw the endocrinologist today. he’s slightly older, say in his fifties, and first i was a little stressed and hesitant to be totally open. but that changed when i realised that he actually knew what he was talking about, that he’d taken it on himself to learn about trans issues, that he’d read books, and not just medical ones. out of all the medical type people i’ve talked to about being trans he’s the first ever who actually had a clue. which was totally reassuring.
and then he just asked a bunch of standard questions, and that he needs my t to call him to confirm things. and his nurse took some blood for tests, just to have a base-line and rule out any surprises. and i’ve got my next appointment next wednesday, and if there’s no nasty little surprises i’ll get a prescription then.
i’m feeling totally giddy!!!!
the big t
just a heads-up that i’ve added a new page to the static/permanent content. (look to the right -> “the big t”)
it’s not finished, actually it’s still at the draft stage, but i’m trying to get some thoughts out. trying to create a foundation of basic positions i hold, upon which i found arguments, and legitimise what i’m doing.
things which need doing
a list, in no particular order:
- make gender a matter of choice
- end arms production
- create formal, material, and discursive equality
- end privilege
- create visibility
- organise
- disorganise
- open borders
- settle mars, the moon, space, the stars
- make death a choice
- name and count the dead
- end violence
- end sexual violence
- end slavery
- end animal abuse
- end abuse of the planet
- give voice
- give capability to use voice
- give space to use voice
i think that’s the most important things. but there’s many more things which ought to be on that list. please help in completing the list, and in getting things done.
little update
i’m just wanting to say that i’ve changed a few details around here, though they’re really details and i don’t yet know what they’ll do. perhaps the most important bits are that if it ought to truncate long posts automatically from now on, and when i insert images in future they should appear as thumbnails.
i’m also adding to the links (that’s an ongoing effort), and i’ve updated the “about” page. further static pages are likely to be appearing sooner or later.
garden party
my friend Severine invited us to celebrate her birthday with a garden-party in the park today.
we had a great time. for starters we had excellent weather, which was a bit unexpected after all the rain and the cold of earlier in the week. so we got to sit and lie around in the sun and the warm. i got to see friends i hadn’t seen for too long, which made me happy. there were sleeping babies and happy laughing playing children. nummy food (i was quite proud of the shushi i’d made). a relatively fierce philosophical debate around radical critique and the problem of nihilism (at least that’s where we ended, don’t ask me what we all touched on).
to make it all just that little bit nicer, everybody was gendering me as a girl, no questions or looks or anything. which feels pretty awesome.
funny sidenote: i wanted to find thinkout’s blog (thinkout being the genevan students lgbt association). so i google “thinkout”. guess who’s on the first page, and who only on the second? maybe this will help them move up a rank or two. (and me too :P ).
being read – the good side
after class yesterday, waiting to talk to the professor, this punky girl comes up to me and kind of a little embarrassed or shy or something smiles at me, me being also all shy and stuff it’s kind of hesitating half-smiles, then she says that she really likes my new hair. which makes me happy of course.
she goes on to say that when she saw me from the back of the class she wondered who that new girl was, before recognising it was me. so i said that yeah, “new girl” was really close to the mark. at which she gave me a huge smile and wasn’t discovering who you really are just teh awesome?! she totally made my day.
i need to talk to her more, and, like find out her name, and what classes she takes, and invite her to thinkout and stuff. also, i had a very interesting talk with the professor afterwards, about what i want to study, and where and why would be good places for that, and i’m more and more inclined to agree that lausanne sounds good for me.
finally, in a little moment i’m going to come out to the folks in the committee of the sociology students association. i’m a little bit nervous, the only group coming out i’ve had so far was to thinkout, and they were already confirmed friendlies. but it’s going to be fine.
